Leading Like a Lover: What HR Can Learn from Relationship Experts

I have had the privilege of working across different industries, cultures, and stages of business maturity over the years. But no matter where I go, one truth remains consistent:

People don’t leave companies. They leave relationships.

Recently, I came across something that resonated with me. This time, it is not in a corporate webinar or leadership book, but in a space I did not expect: relationship psychology. Specifically, the Gottman Method, a research-based approach to strengthening relationships developed by psychologists Drs. John and Julie Gottman (https://www.gottman.com/about/the-gottman-method/). I first read about it out of pure curiosity (a recommendation from a friend, actually).

What appeared to be relevant only to marriages and romantic partnerships soon unraveled as a surprisingly robust framework for navigating professional relationships, particularly between leaders and their teams. I could not help but think, “Wait, this feels… familiar”. And not just familiar in a personal sense. I was seeing parallels to the workplace. To leadership. To team dynamics. Even to resignation letters.

The more I explored, the more I believed that what we learn from romantic relationships (whether it is the Gottman Method or the Five Love Languages etc) can absolutely be applied to how we lead teams.

Could the secrets to lasting personal relationships help us become better leaders? Could they even help us predict when an employee relationship is about to break?

I believe the answer is yes.

From the Bedroom to the Boardroom: Why Relationships Are Universal

The workplace is often described as a second home, and with hybrid and remote work becoming a norm, the lines between our personal and professional lives continue to blur. What remains constant, though, is that all human relationships follow emotional patterns, whether romantic or professional. We seek:

• Respect and recognition

• A sense of belonging

• Psychological safety

• Constructive feedback and growth

• Consistent communication

  
  

Much like in a marriage, when these needs are neglected in the workplace, dissatisfaction creeps in. Engagement drops. Resentment builds. And eventually, we walk away.

This brings me to the Gottman framework, which I believe it offers leaders a powerful tool and mindset for managing teams more empathetically, sustainably, and strategically.

Why Relationship Psychology Belongs in Leadership

Let me be clear: I am not saying we need to start treating our team meetings like couples counseling sessions.

But what I am saying is that the emotional undercurrents that drive strong marriages (trust, emotional safety, consistency, appreciation) are the ones that make working relationships.

In fact, if you remove the context and just focus on the behaviours, the overlap is apparent:

• Miscommunication → Resentment

• Lack of appreciation → Disengagement

• Conflict avoidance → Unresolved tension

• Criticism → Burnout and exits

  
  

We have all seen this play out at work, right?

That is why I have now started (selfishly) borrowing concepts from relationship psychology in my own leadership style. And surprisingly, it works. Let me show you what I mean.

The Four Horsemen: Spotting Communication Breakdowns at Work

The Gottmans identified four negative communication patterns that predict the breakdown of a relationship, known as the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse (https://www.gottman.com/blog/the-four-horsemen-recognizing-criticism-contempt-defensiveness-and-stonewalling/). These are: Criticism, Contempt, Defensiveness, and Stonewalling.

When I first read these, it hit me hard. These are not just signs of a failing marriage. They are also strangely accurate descriptions of a disengaged team.

Let us break them down - with a workplace twist:

1. Criticism

This goes beyond a simple complaint or helpful feedback. It is when we attack an individual’s character instead of addressing a specific behaviour.

• At work: “You’re always late to meetings. You’re unreliable”

• Healthier alternative: “I noticed a few delays recently. Are you facing any blockers?”

  
  

I have been guilty of this. In fast-paced environments, it is easy to let frustration shape our words. I also learned (sometimes the hard way) that feedback only lands when it is rooted in curiosity, not judgment. Leaders often cross the line from feedback to criticism unknowingly. Over time, this creates a culture of blame rather than accountability.

2. Contempt

Contempt is the most destructive of the Four Horsemen. It communicates superiority, mockery, or disrespect. Gottman calls this the single biggest predictor of a breakup.

• At work: Eye rolls in meetings, sarcastic comments like “Oh, you wouldn’t understand that”, or dismissing ideas without discussion.

• Impact: Employees feel belittled and disengage emotionally. Contempt kills creativity and psychological safety eventually collapses. People stop sharing ideas.

  
  

This one stung. I have seen amazing talents leave not because of workload, but because of how they were made to feel in meetings. Culture is built (or broken) in moments like this.

3. Defensiveness

A natural reaction to criticism or contempt, defensiveness involves making excuses or shifting blame instead of owning up. When we feel attacked, we naturally defend ourselves. But too much defensiveness kills accountability.

• At work: “I didn’t miss the deadline, it’s just that the brief wasn’t clear.”

• Result: Team dynamics suffer as finger-pointing replaces solution-finding.

  
  

Leaders who model defensiveness (especially in cross-functional settings) create cultures where mistakes are hidden rather than addressed. As a leader, when I say “That’s on me”, I see people start doing the same. Defensiveness is contagious, but so is ownership.

4. Stonewalling

This is when someone emotionally shuts down and withdraws from interaction altogether.

• At work: The manager who “goes silent” after giving tough feedback. The team member who stops replying to emails or contributing in meetings.

• What’s happening underneath: Emotional burnout or a complete loss of psychological safety, or feeling that speaking up will not help.

  
  

This one is harder to spot, but critical to address. I now try to check in before it reaches this point. “You’ve been a bit quieter lately. Is everything okay?” goes a long way.

The Antidotes: How Leaders Can Do Differently

The Gottman Institute does not just diagnose the problem, but they offer solutions. Here are examples how to lead with empathy and break the cycle of unhealthy communication:

Criticism: Use “I” statements and specific feedback to focus on behaviours, not traits: “I noticed X, and I’m concerned because Y.”

Contempt: Cultivate appreciation and respect. Celebrate small wins and show that every role matters. Reinforce appreciation and make respect non-negotiable.

Defensiveness: Encourage ownership through vulnerability. Say: “I could have communicated that better too” to normalise learning from mistakes.

Stonewalling: Check in regularly. Say: “You’ve seemed a bit withdrawn lately, want to talk?” This can create space to speak up.

It is not about being “soft”. It is about building emotional resilience and trust that are the very things that drive performance, innovation, and retention. In environments of high stress or change (which is most workplaces now), these patterns can spiral quickly. Catching and correcting them early has helped me prevent bigger issues later.

Can We Predict a Resignation? Sometimes, Yes.

One of the most jaw-dropping insights from the Gottman Method is that

They can predict, with 90% accuracy, whether a couple will break up based on how they argue.

That made me wonder: Can we, as leaders, spot when a resignation is on the horizon?

In my experience, the answer is often yes.

Here are some early warning signs I have seen, now framed through the Gottman lens:

• Withdrawal from participation (stonewalling)

• Sporadic defensiveness during feedback sessions

• Micro-expressions of contempt, like sarcasm or tone changes in meetings, eye rolls, even over messages

• Criticism turning inward: “Nothing I do here matters anymore.”

  
  

When these patterns emerge, leaders have two options: intervene meaningfully or prepare for an offboarding conversation. These are moments to lean in to not micromanage, but connect. Sometimes it is not too late, but other times it is. Either way, it pays to notice early.

Final Thoughts: Leadership Is a Relationship

If you have made it this far, thank you. I know this is not a typical leadership article filled with strategy models and case studies.

I wrote this because I truly believe that how we lead mirrors how we relate to ourselves, to others, and to the world.

For me, learning about the Gottman Method was not just an academic exercise. It shifted how I speak, listen, and connect at work. It gave me clarity for things I have felt for years but never articulated. And it reminded me that:

Behind every job title is a human being trying to feel respected, safe, and heard.

Too often, leadership development focuses on strategy, business acumen, and performance metrics. Rarely do we emphasise the emotional fluency required to lead humans.

Truth be told, leadership is a relationship, and relationships thrive (or die) based on how we communicate, resolve conflict, and show appreciation.

If we are willing to borrow from psychology, couples therapy, and even the language of love, we can build better teams. We can intervene before relationships break. And we can become the kind of leaders who do not just retain employees, but earn their loyalty.

So the next time you walk into a 1:1, prepare for a performance review, or feel tension bubbling in your team, pause and ask yourself:

• Am I speaking their language?

• Am I building a relationship, or breaking one down?

• Are any of the Four Horsemen riding into this conversation?

• How does this person feel valued?

  
  

You might be surprised at what you notice. And even more surprised at what changes when you do - The answers might just change how you lead.

Because at the end of the day, leadership is a relationship. And like all relationships, it rises and falls on communication.

Have you applied relationship insights to your leadership approach? I’d love to hear your thoughts, stories, or even doubts. Let’s keep the conversation going.